


i was a king

by plantgirl



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, Post-Blue Lions Route (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Pre-Relationship, Regret, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-25 08:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20721452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantgirl/pseuds/plantgirl
Summary: But all he can think of is "I love you, Dedue".





	i was a king

**Author's Note:**

> most of this was written in between a haze of post-surgery confusion and the lingering effects of anesthesia, so i guess some of this might be a little strange? i do hope you enjoy it anyways, post-surgery me needed some dimidue in her life and tried really hard with this. it is a little difficult to read mainly because the paragraphs are so long but i hope you are not too bothered by it!

Dimitri is scared, so incredibly scared. It is not like he doesn't want Dedue to love him - he wants it so badly, wishes he was right with thinking his feelings were mutual, but at the same time he hopes nobody will ever love him at all. He is broken beyond repair, scars running deep beyond his skin. His nights are spent in a haze of tears and nightmares and voices telling him he is not good enough, and never will be. And then he should want someone to love him? He thinks it is ridiculous - he would only be a burden to whoever chooses to love him, would not be able to give as much love back as he is given.

He has his throne, his land, his people back after defeating Edelgard (sometimes, when he thinks of her, there is a sting in his chest, something akin to what he feels whenever he is around Dedue, but it is laced with betrayal and pain and he wishes he could go back in time to when they were just kids, when he loved her so dearly and that was all his little carefree heart had to worry about) but the crown sits too heavy on his head and his duties weigh him down so much he feels like his body must be yielding under the pressure.

He should be glad he did not lose too many of his loved ones in the war - he lost Rodrigue, yes, and his heart is still breaking everyday at the thought of him, but his friends are still there, and there are so many more who are less fortunate than him - but the voices of the dead still haunt him, and after the end of the war Edelgard's voice joined those of his parents and Glenn, her gentle voice obscured by her screams as they fought in Enbarr, by the pain her words were clad in when she saw Hubert die. Sometimes he sees a flash of white hair in the corridors at night, clad in blood red robes with soft lavender eyes, but then she disappears behind a corner and Dimitri is so sure she was there he follows her just to be greeted with nothing but an empty corridor, leaving him devastated and the voices inside his head chanting _You killed her_, _You let her become the monster that she died as_. Other times, when the professor - no, the archbishop, Dimitri always has to correct himself - decides to visit him, full of worry for his friend because he knows that Dimitri struggles to cope, the king mistakes the small, white haired girl by his side for Edelgard and his mind is running wild between _How can she be alive, you killed her, she is a monster_ and _Dear goddess, everything was just a bad dream, she is here for you_. He feels so very guilty for it, he has apologized to Lysithea countless times for his strange looks and even stranger babbling when he is around her and she has forgiven him over and over again, _It is all right to miss her_, but he cannot forgive himself for being so respectless towards her.

And during all this, Dedue still stays by his side, and they talk about the losses they have had to count - Dedue often talks about his sister, a free spirit with splendidly silver hair that would dance around in flowery meadows and sing songs late at night for those who had trouble falling asleep, who would smile at rainy clouds just as brightly as at sunshine and starry skies; Dimitri talks about Edelgard, about how her hair was not always the color of snow and how she taught him to dance, about how she would always beat him in a fight but reassure him that he could beat her if he tried just a little bit harder, how she was his first kiss under the apple tree just outside the walls of Fhirdiad at the age of nine before her mother married his father and everything in his life turned into a big mess. It feels wrong to talk to Dedue of all people about Edelgard, but he is the only one willing to listen, really listen, to what he has to say. Dimitri sees the pain in Dedue's eyes everytime they talk about her, and he tells himself to stop because he himself cannot take it, has his heart clenching at the way he talks about her - he talks about her as if they were _lovers_ \- but then again, the sting in his chest soothes a bit when he recalls all the positive memories he made with her.

"Did you love her?", Dedue asks one night when the two of them are together in Dimitri's chambers, Dedue standing by the stained windows staring out into the darkness and Dimitri at his desk writing up a report about a meeting they had earlier that day to secure trading routes with Almyra. These words have the king stop dead in his tracks, the quill in his hand threatening to spill over the entire document.

"Love who?", he asks cautiously. He knows the question is ridiculous, knows that Dedue is talking about Edelgard but why would he, he was never one to ask about what Dimitri felt for other people - but then again, it is a justified question because Dimitri has been going on about how he wishes Edelgard could see him now, missing her even though she tried so hard to make him hate her (and he did, for a while, but since she has started haunting him he cannot bring himself to say anything bad about her).

Dedue sighs and turns to look at Dimitri, "Edelgard, your majesty. I apologize if this question is inappropriate - I will refrain from asking such intimate questions in the future."

"No, it is alright," Dimitri says, then adds, "But please, Dedue, you can call me by my name when it is just the two of us. Especially in my chambers. You are my friend, not some servant." _I wish I could call you my lover instead_ echoes his mind, a thought that has been stuck at the back of his mind for too long.

"Thank you, Dimitri, but are you sure the answer to my question is appropriate for me to hear? I do not want to overstep any boundaries-"

"I said it was alright, no? I would not say it if I didn't mean it," Dimitri says, and stands up from his desk. He strides over to Dedue with long steps until he is standing in front of his friend, looking up at his scarred face - scars that are there because of _him_, because Dedue sacrificed himself for somebody who was not worth it, who hid in the shadows for five years because he was terrified of the consequences of his escape, because he was terrified of a world without _Dedue_. And while he looks his friend in the eyes his mind is trying to figure out an answer to the question he has been asked. But all he can think of is _I'm in love with you, Dedue_.

"So?", Dedue raises an eyebrow at the silence he receives from him. It is something he rarely does - challenging Dimitri. It suits him, Dimitri finds, if he weren't so stiff and formal all the time.

The question still rings in his ears, and he tries to find a response that would satisfy Dedue. The obvious answer would be _No, I didn't_, but would that be the truth? She was his first kiss, then she was his sister, then his enemy, and now she is dead and a ghost that haunts him at night when he is the most vulnerable. So did he love her at any point? And the answer is, Dimitri realizes, yes he did. All along he loved her - he never wanted to let her go, and his world was completely shattered when she turned on him and became their enemy. For five years he wished nothing more but a gruesome death on her, favorably by his own hands. And he got just that - her body impaled by his lance, her crimson blood spilling over the weapon and on the ground. He will never forget the look on her face, the way her lavender eyes were widened as her life seeped out of her body into an eternal abyss of nothingness. He wanted to hold her then, when he realized that she was dying. He wanted to hold her and brush the hair out of her face, wanted to kiss her forehead and tell her that she would be alright, that she didn't have to die - but he didn't, because he knew he would be lying to her, he knew she would not have liked it, would have probably stabbed him with the last bit of strength her body possessed. Yes, he did love her - but never as a lover, he now recognizes, more as a sister, a soulmate of some sorts that was not meant romantically. They were like star-crossed lovers, only with platonic feelings between them - they were never meant to be together.

He takes a deep breath before speaking, "Yes, Dedue, I loved her. I loved her so incredibly much - maybe a little too much, because look where we are now. But I never wanted her to be my lover, she was _family_. She was all that was left of what I called my family, and I never wanted to lose her. I loved her as my sister."

Dedue smiles at that - a small, soft smile, one that makes Dimitri melt.

"You are a good man, Dimitri," Dedue says, "You loved her although she hurt you so much - you must have a generous heart hidden underneath all the pain. I admire you for that."

Dimitri is startled by those words; he is no good man - he left Dedue to die to escape death himself, he killed mercilessly with a hunger for more and more, wanted nothing but revenge for those that had been taken from him - he is a wild beast at best. But Dedue - Dedue is a good man, his heart filled with so much love for everyone. Dimitri has seen him teach Ashe cook Duscurian dishes, has seen him tend to the delicate flowers in the monastery's greenhouse together with the profesor, has seen him help Annette carry all her books from the library to her room. Dedue was the one who saved Dimitri, who sacrificed himself so that Dimitri could continue his pitiful life.

"Dedue, I- I don't know how to respond to that," he says quietly, "Because I am anything but a good man. But you - you have done nothing but good for me and everybody else here. If you call someone here a good man, then call yourself that."

Dedue clears his throat at that, "Thank you, Dimitri. I am grateful for your kindness." He turns away from the king to leave the room, "The moon stands high already, I shall leave you to sleep."

But Dimitri does not want Dedue to leave, wants him to stay because he feels safe when his friend is around, feels protected from the voices inside his head; because if Dedue leaves, Dimitri will be left alone with Edelgard in his head, taunting him that if he really loved her, he would not have let her die, would not have murdered her himself.

"Dedue," he says, extending his hand to take hold of Dedue's, "Please stay with me, only a little while longer."

Dedue halts in his step and turns his head to look at his king. His eyes remind Dimitri of the way the archbishop looks at Lysithea - full of wonder and affection, as if she was the reason the sun rises every morning and goes to sleep every night. _Maybe...?_ "It would be an honor to accompany for a little longer, Dimitri."

And Dimitri cannot help but smile - he has not smiled in such a long time, it actually takes effort to not let it falter immediately - and looks down at where his hand, a stark white against Dedue's tan skin, is wrapped around Dedue's wrist. His fingers are so thin and bony against Dedue's strong hand, and it almost looks ridiculous. But it is Dedue, and Dimitri loves having him close, loves feeling his skin touch his - it makes him feel secure, makes him feel like he belongs.

Dedue notices the way Dimitri's eyes linger on their hands and pulls his away just to reach out again and intertwine their fingers. It is a strange sensation to have what he has longed for for such a long time - it dusts Dimitri's cheeks in a soft blush and has him too scared to look Dedue in the eye. He knows he shouldn't be - Dedue has seen him at his most broken times, has seen him break down and weep at the graves of his parents when they first returned to Fhirdiad, has seen him wail when Edelgard's corpse was lowered into a grave in his private gardens - at his request; he did not want her to end up in an unnamed grave, forgotten by everybody who once was close to her - and never had Dedue judged him, so why should he do so now that they are alone in his chambers, their hands gripping onto each other as if their lives depended on it?

"Please look at me, Dimitri," Dedue whispers into the silence of the room, his voice frail and almost sounding scared - why would Dedue be scared, Dedue who is strong and must have seen horrors Dimitri can only imagine, but still knows how to take his pain and turn it into soft smiles and heartfelt laughs? There is no reason for him to be scared of a situation like this when it is only Dimitri and him.

Dimitri lifts his eyes from their intertwined hands to Dedue's face that is so gentle, so full of _love_ \- he does not think twice before placing his other hand on Dedue's cheek and tracing the thick scar that graces his skin there. Dedue leans into the touch and a small sigh escapes his lips. He looks at peace, so incredibly vulnerable - and it makes Dimitri's knees weak.

"Dimitri," Dedue breathes out, pulling him a little closer, and leans down to place a kiss on the king's head.

"Please don't leave me, Dedue. Please don't ever leave me," Dimitri whispers into his chest, both his hands now on the other's shoulders to keep himself steady.

Dedue hums in response, "I won't, I promise. I will always stay with you, Dimitri."

**Author's Note:**

> i will probably write a sequel to this because i really love the two of them, so keep an eye out for it if you're interested!  
title from the song 'i was a king' by former vandal


End file.
